Dealing with trauma triggers - part 2

It is a difficult thing, growing. Especially when you were brought up to believe you are worth less than a fly's crap on the wall. It also is difficult because of the flashbacks and the night terrors, and the overall need for being vigilant. To be wary all the time is exhausting. It likely caused my body to develop both colitis ulcerosa and Fibromyalgia. While the first chronic illness is well under control and poses no issue, except for the hospital meds drip every 8 weeks, the latter caused me to lose my job as a children's therapist. It robbed me of much more, socially and financially, as well as freedom and connectedness. And my EMDR therapist acknowledged the base of it is likely rooted in childhood trauma. Thank you so much, mother, and father, and brother, for so cunningly creating the opportunities for the Fears and the Darkness to move into my self.

My earliest trauma memory pinpointed at age 4, with my mother pinching my nose forcefully to have me eat cold and thickened in oatmeal porridge. I am wearing my beautiful red terry cloth apron, with a fir tree and a deer on it. And I only feel fear, a deep deep threat, when I think of that moment. At that time, my brother was. He was a terrible pain in the ass. He could be quite gentle, but had a streak to his character that was right down vicious and evil. In time, that streak grew to become his main character. My mother lost control over him as soon as he turned 4. And that must have triggered a lot of trauma in her own being - she herself was seriously abused during her own childhood, by seemingly everyone of her family, but most by her parents. 

✸ The Darkness was so suffocatingly strong, I could barely see where I ended and the Darkness began; I had turned into it. 

The Fears and the Darkness have ruled my life for as long as I can remember.
That is, until the divorce created a schism. 

Because that divorce symbolised me saying: I deserve better than to be treated this way. I did not deserve his narcissism poured over me every single day, my child did not either. I certainly did not deserve to live the rest of my days in fear of what would happen if *he* lost it. I have only a slight idea about what he is capable of, and I did not risk to wait to find out. 

This change in my normal proved essential for growth. As I mentioned, I went looking for help, in order to save myself. That can be understood quite literally. The Darkness was so suffocatingly strong, I could barely see where I ended and the Darkness began; I had turned into it. Being always short on funds, as I am disabled and financially dependant on the Government for welfare income, I had no money to get proper therapy, but also, I had ambiguous and even bad experience with four different therapists earlier (one I was appointed to by the Pain Clinic, 3 others were relationship counsellors who each sided with my ex and made me responsible for the health of our bond), so I did not want another classic therapist.

✸ It became clear that my trauma wanted out. Out of my system. Out of my mind.

I turned to a coach, for highly sensitive people (HSP). That step proved also major in me looking for alternative ways of healing. I went to see the coach only twice, and later also a couple of times with my child, who is HSP as well. It became clear that my trauma wanted out. Out of my system. Out of my mind. I looked for meditation apps, and re-invested in my yoga practice. Later I also contacted an EMDR therapist, to dig into the core of trauma - when covid-19 shut down life as we knew it, this therapy was helping me greatly and I even experienced alleviation of my Fibromyalgia pain, but it could not be continued, as EMDR demands safety in face-to-face contact. We scheduled a video conference but then she forgot to actually schedule it and I felt forgotten, and unimportant; trauma trigger, indeed. We were able to do the conference anyway, and I did mention how I felt, and why - she was a bit taken aback by it - but since then there has been silence, and I am afraid to reach out, fearing she does not have time for me; yes, trauma trigger again. I have no idea when I will have the courage to step out of that triggered thinking.

In the meantime, I focus on meditation and yoga, and I also dare to reach out to those special souls who have supported me for so long. That, too, is growing, if you ask me. Because with these friends, even though the Fear of Abandonment is still strong, I feel I can risk to be open. And with the RAIN meditation I am able to both acknowledge, allow and soothe the Fear.