Healing from trauma takes a lot of energy. It takes a lot of guts and time too. Patience and kindness with oneself. A huge help is a loving kindness network of people you can turn to if the journey to healing gets too much, people who understand and are willing to sit with you, people who do not judge or try to fix you, people who listen, who comfort just be being who they are.
Recently, I am going through an overwhelming streak of trauma responses: It seems everything turns into a trigger. And every trigger leads into a trauma response. I started out well enough, managing to keep the fear from running wild. In the not so distant past, I used to fall into blackness so intense I felt as if being swallowed whole, generalising what happened to everything and everyone I know. That way I shut myself off, building my walls so high I could barely see the light of day. Now the walls are there, but maybe only heart-high, and I try to refrain from generalising. It is scary. To allow room for light, for a mindset that is not totally doomed. But The Fear remains. The Fear that I will lose everything and everyone in the blink of an eye.
Living with trauma is intense. It is very hard to trust your instincts because you were taught to believe no one is to be trusted, yourself least of all. I was beaten severely to make sure I understood I was worth less than a speck of dust on her clothes. I learned to fear, not only her, but my own self - for the longest time I panicked when I had to make a decision. And I learned to distrust my father and my brother, as too often they sided with her, alienating me from my own family.
I doubted everything. Friendships most of all: I was always looking for confirmation that I was wanted, that I really belonged. I intensely believed I was only lovable if I complied with everything, and that resulted in me getting mixed up in some bad situations with men and also with friendships. But at that time, I somehow still confided in her and she used those confessions, that already were drowning me in shame and guilt, as evidence for her statements, that I indeed was unlovable, unworthy, sick in the mind, and attention-seeking. She actually sent me a letter once, telling me how I should live my life because clearly I made all the wrong decisions and I fretted far too much over stupid little things.
That legacy took the form of a dark fear looming over my every day. Sometimes it is just a greyish hue, others it is nightblack, but there are days that start off so gloomily that I brace myself as soon as I get up. The Fear intensifies when bonds get mixed up, especially with people I trust, and this huge red flag starts bleeding all over the place. As one of my close friends confirmed: "It's your intuition calling, and she is right!" -- and I have to agree: every time the red flag started bleeding in the past, and regardless of me addressing the issue to the friend, the relationship wilted. And because I refused to merely accept that, I started fighting against the process, desperately longing for a true bond to ... succeed.
I know now, in a way, I have been seeking, unconsciously, for the acceptance, validation and love, not to mention acknowledgement and approval, that my mother never granted to me - and I looked for it in people who turned out to be, somehow, as equally toxic as she is.
In that regard, my path of healing is teaching me valuable lessons: I am more able to recognise toxic dynamics, even though I am still frozen with fear at times, and I still ignore some red flags, because I hope this time I am wrong.
It also points out, rather painfully, how I have been attaching myself, longing to fill the void in me, to people who themselves seemed to have been stuck and looked for their healing through me. That is a cycle I want to break -- I need to do my own healing, regardless what others want from me. And I need to keep trusting, because there are people who have my best interests at heart. They are the ones holding up the umbrella when I feel it's always raining on me. And I am deeply grateful for them, as they have to endure a lot of crap from me.
So. In a nutshell, building m is not a matter of not willing, but of daring. And it is not a matter of arrogance, but of self protection.
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