My life now could not be more different than, let's say, three years ago. After ten years of marriage, of which the final seven were absolutely and painfully challenging, I gave it up. I had to, to protect both my child and my sanity. I also had to block my family after that; their resentment went over the roof after I announced the divorce, as if they were the sole victims in the story and I the one to cause all the problems.
It's only now that I am trying to heal myself, by acknowledging my past and my marriage have hurt me and that I am now in the position to change my attitude towards that as well as the people around me, that I am discovering both my family (especially my mother and brother) and my ex have Narcissistic-Manipulative Personalities. Being brought up by a narc mother certainly did no good for my mental and emotional development, and while my brother soaked up the abuse to become a true narc himself, I grew into this ever anxious, worrying and hypersensitive creature, that learned to put others first as she herself was not worth any attention, let alone love. This attitude in life drove me into the arms of another narc person, though, like I mentioned, I only found out about his true self after I already left him. The marriage however left me broken and empty, and I haven't felt like that since I escaped my parental home decades ago.
Living on my own already taught me a lot about myself, my way of cultivating my experiences and trauma as a shield to protect me yet push people away, and the friendships I have/had/believed to have. It had me build my walls higher, and leave little Alice-in-Wonderland doors for those special souls who are supporting me to this day, be it with money, groceries, peptalk, or just being there. Or all of the above. It is teaching me I am my own master, that I call the shots now, and that I am no worse or better than anyone. That I have to be there for me, and my son, and that I am responsible solely for my reactions.It also taught me about being a mum. My son stays with me most of the time, yet every time he has to leave for Dad, it rips my soul apart. The first night is the worst; I postpone going to bed, I wander about like I'm lost, and sadness and loneliness tsunami over me with relentless power. And I keep saying, It's temporary-Itstemporary-Itstemporary-Itstemporary-Itstemporary - a mantra I hold on to like a floater to driftwood in an angry ocean. It gets better when the days pass, until I see him again - then there is a blissful period of unison, right up to L-Day, Leaving Day, and the sorrow and forlornness start all over again.
And it taught me about the therapeutic advantages of cats. With three cats about the house, there always is one nearby to curl up against me and soothe my anxiety and worry with intense purring, headbonks, biscuit-making, or mouse-bringing. Although I miss the cats I had to leave with my ex, I am truly grateful for my Landlady, who eventually and by grace of the real-estate agent, allowed me to home the other cats, as she was not very keen on pets at first.
Even though I keep getting overwhelmed by sadness now and then, and I do doubt myself and my worth more than once, I have found some amazing people who are still helping me to keep my head up and face the world with courage and optimism. I take every day as it comes, and some are easier than others. I realise some things are temporary and others are just the way they are.
A constant worry though is money. Because I am now single and on disability benefits, life has become pretty expensive. The benefits are taxed as normal income, both rent and insurances for home, family and car gobble up most of the monthly allowance, the fixed household costs are frightfully high when you are on benefits. By the end of the month, due to some bad choices and trusting the wrong people when I first left my ex, I am evidently maxed out, and by law I am thwarted to make some extra money, as I need to make quite a lot to compensate for the withholding of 10% of the monthly disability allowance. And with my BlackKittySketch postcard design (on Instagram: @blackkittysketch) I never made that amount of money. (But I did make a lot of people happy!!)These are things they never teach about in school: What to do if life throws you lemons as big as watermelons? *sigh*
See, que sera, sera, but I wouldn't mind the que being light and lofty for a change ;-) In the meantime, I try To Be More Cat and go with the flow.
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