The balance in life, or how to try and change our views

Many people aim to focus on the positive things in life. You see it everywhere on social media: happy pictures, promising and uplifting posts, meaningful experiences, enriching encounters. But you know, how would we know these are blissful and happy moments, had we never known the bad and dark times that coloured our lives in a different yet equally meaningful way?

You see, I myself have always had a negative attitude towards life. I never questioned it; I was a difficult child according to my mother, too sensitive, too anxious, too much of things that didn't fit in our family. We were severely beaten and emotionally abused as children, my brother and me. Later the beatings stopped, but the psychological warfare continued relentlessly - my brother (her golden child) allied with my mother a long time ago, and things have never been the same for me since. Maybe that is why I developed a rather negative attitude towards the world. I used to do towards life as well. I have had such intense suicidal thoughts I still do not know how I managed to grow above them.

But I did. And I'm working really hard to heal my mind, heal my views and thought patterns. To change my coping. Because it (coping, me, me in relationships) all started with my inner self - hyper sensitive and too smart - and it got aggravated through the abuse: I grew suspicious of everything while trying, desiring to be open and trusting. To be positive within all this negative.

Through my university years I learned how trivial things can be, how superficial people - and life - can be. I was on Facebook for such a long time - "Everyone is on it!" - and got really very depressed as people seemed to lead such marvellous lives. With tons of friends. On countless holidays and outings. And I was dealing with chronic illness that got me fired, a narcissistic mother, a spiteful brother- and a wishful thinking lovelife that got me into a weird marriage and divorce.
Despite the knowing Facebook is not REAL, it still got to me. Badly.

It took me a long time to realise: many people hang on to these positivities to keep their heads up in a killer world. To stay strong themselves. To survive. And I have to admire that.
But it is not how I deal with things. When life gets bad, it gets to me intensely. It swallows me up. Because I experience everything so deeply. I need to brace myself everytime this happens. I need to ... prevent the panic attack by grounding myself. And since all my good experiences turned on me in some way or other, I first get very excited but then doubt sets in and I get wary. Bad coping. Something I truly need to work on. I need to start seeing that my "negative" start is a means to learning about a "positive" way of living. And this is why I got professional help - because this ... I cannot do on my own.

We all need a balance of good and bad in our lives. Because it never is all good, and it never is all bad. We just need to DARE to look at these experiences that frighten us openmindedly: every situation, every encounter teaches us something, and we have the power to label it thusly. Not bad or good, but a lesson.
This is how I am trying to look at things now, instead of taking it personally, too happy or too grim. Because life is hard enough, without us putting ourselves down. ❤

After the Divorce: discoveries, contemplations and healing

I have been trying to keep track of my blogging for the past years, and obviously failed miserably. Thing is, my mind has been feeling like a big black hole, consuming information without processing it, just gobbling up experiences, thoughts, memories and conversations, devouring them like pizza - or cake. I feel my mind now is getting better, ever so slightly. Not nearly there yet, it never really gets to *that* point with Fibromyalgia and its greedy Flares and Fogs. But the new supplements, some major changes recently, and working on a different mindset are doing their mojo.

My life now could not be more different than, let's say, three years ago. After ten years of marriage, of which the final seven were absolutely and painfully challenging, I gave it up. I had to, to protect both my child and my sanity. I also had to block my family after that; their resentment went over the roof after I announced the divorce, as if they were the sole victims in the story and I the one to cause all the problems.

It's only now that I am trying to heal myself, by acknowledging my past and my marriage have hurt me and that I am now in the position to change my attitude towards that as well as the people around me, that I am discovering both my family (especially my mother and brother) and my ex have Narcissistic-Manipulative Personalities. Being brought up by a narc mother certainly did no good for my mental and emotional development, and while my brother soaked up the abuse to become a true narc himself, I grew into this ever anxious, worrying and hypersensitive creature, that learned to put others first as she herself was not worth any attention, let alone love. This attitude in life drove me into the arms of another narc person, though, like I mentioned, I only found out about his true self after I already left him. The marriage however left me broken and empty, and I haven't felt like that since I escaped my parental home decades ago.

Living on my own already taught me a lot about myself, my way of cultivating my experiences and trauma as a shield to protect me yet push people away, and the friendships I have/had/believed to have. It had me build my walls higher, and leave little Alice-in-Wonderland doors for those special souls who are supporting me to this day, be it with money, groceries, peptalk, or just being there. Or all of the above. It is teaching me I am my own master, that I call the shots now, and that I am no worse or better than anyone. That I have to be there for me, and my son, and that I am responsible solely for my reactions.

It also taught me about being a mum. My son stays with me most of the time, yet every time he has to leave for Dad, it rips my soul apart. The first night is the worst; I postpone going to bed, I wander about like I'm lost, and sadness and loneliness tsunami over me with relentless power. And I keep saying, It's temporary-Itstemporary-Itstemporary-Itstemporary-Itstemporary - a mantra I hold on to like a floater to driftwood in an angry ocean. It gets better when the days pass, until I see him again - then there is a blissful period of unison, right up to L-Day, Leaving Day, and the sorrow and forlornness start all over again.

And it taught me about the therapeutic advantages of cats. With three cats about the house, there always is one nearby to curl up against me and soothe my anxiety and worry with intense purring, headbonks, biscuit-making, or mouse-bringing. Although I miss the cats I had to leave with my ex, I am truly grateful for my Landlady, who eventually and by grace of the real-estate agent, allowed me to home the other cats, as she was not very keen on pets at first.

Even though I keep getting overwhelmed by sadness now and then, and I do doubt myself and my worth more than once, I have found some amazing people who are still helping me to keep my head up and face the world with courage and optimism. I take every day as it comes, and some are easier than others. I realise some things are temporary and others are just the way they are.

A constant worry though is money. Because I am now single and on disability benefits, life has become pretty expensive. The benefits are taxed as normal income, both rent and insurances for home, family and car gobble up most of the monthly allowance, the fixed household costs are frightfully high when you are on benefits. By the end of the month, due to some bad choices and trusting the wrong people when I first left my ex, I am evidently maxed out, and by law I am thwarted to make some extra money, as I need to make quite a lot to compensate for the withholding of 10% of the monthly disability allowance. And with my BlackKittySketch postcard design (on Instagram: @blackkittysketch) I never made that amount of money. (But I did make a lot of people happy!!)
These are things they never teach about in school: What to do if life throws you lemons as big as watermelons? *sigh*

See, que sera, sera, but I wouldn't mind the que being light and lofty for a change ;-) In the meantime, I try To Be More Cat and go with the flow.